Sweet nothings?

Aanika in California asks: "Does the whispering technique really work on training animals?"


For those blessed with this special talent of talking to animals it seems to work very well, although it makes a difference which animal species they work with. So far "Whisperers" have had success communicating with horses, dogs, and some Hummer owners, however when they try it on cats all it does is really piss them off. Perhaps it's only a matter of discovering the right words to whisper...or trying it with a mouthful of albacore tuna.

Missing in action?

Matthew in Wales asks: "Is God dead?"

For a long time it was believed that Friedrich Nietzsche killed God, but police records show his alibi checked out on the night in question (he was bar hopping with Wagner).
My gut tells me God is alive and well. I'm thinking after thousands of years of having to keep tabs on our wicked ways 24/7 he is just taking a much needed mental health break.

Boxed in?

Phil in Arizona asks: "Is it smart to think outside the box?"


When cogitating is absolutely necessary it's better to do it in the privacy and safety of a box. When you venture outside a box to think you're opening yourself up to exposure of other people's stupid ideas. If you feel compelled to think outside a box it's best to stay in close proximity to it, in case a hasty retreat is required. Few people know that Einstein actually came up with all his best ideas thinking inside a box, allowing only Gunther his pet beaver in to sharpen his pencil when needed.

Some Like It Hot?

Tommy in Washington asks: "Is global warming really happening?"


If you live within the U.S. borders then it all depends on what state you reside in. If you're fortunate and it's a "red state" then it isn't happening because global warming is nothing more than a myth spread by liberal tree-huggers with an agenda. If you're not so lucky and happen to live in a "blue state" you're screwed, just like the rest of the world.

Soul Mates?

Aliya in Pennsylvania asks: "Is there one perfect mate for me out there in the world?"

Yes...and defying all the laws of probability the person you end up marrying will be that one perfect mate. Imperfections in your perfect mate always remain dormant and hidden until after you tie the knot. At that point both the frequency and intensity of these imperfections tend to expand and increase with each passing year. Some couples learn to accept these faults in their perfect mate, while others decide to look for a new more perfect perfect mate.

Smarter than your average bear?

Meg in Missouri asks: "What separates us from other animals?"


The distinction between Homo sapian and other animals has changed over the centuries. In the recent past it was widely held that we were the only animal that could reason and had conscious thought. We were never able to completely convince other animals of this however, and after less than stellar performances by several noted biologists in the famous "Checkers" debates in the 50's serious cracks began to develop in this belief. The current hypothesis is that humans are the only animal that will voluntarily sit in front of a television for hours watching reality shows.

Happy Feet?

Jason in Singapore asks: "How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?"



Angels aren't allowed to dance anymore. Back in 1993 Pat Robertson and The Christian Coalition strongly objected to this expression of lust inducing exuberant behavior, believing that as role models angels had no business shaking their heavenly booties. The group started a petition threatening to "stop singing praises unto Him" unless an immediate stop was put to this sinful act. Needing the praise God reluctantly gave in to their demand. Angels are still allowed to pass time on the head of a pin, but they must do so standing perfectly still.

Living in your own private Idaho?

Priscilla in Canada asks: "Why do we 'go' on a green light and 'stop' on a red one?"


This is a good example of a conventional law (decided by men), as opposed to a natural law (decided by men interpreting what they think God told them). In truth the color assignment for following traffic laws is purely arbitrary. It could just as easily have been proceed on raw umber, slow down on magenta, and stop on cobalt blue.
Interestingly enough there is a defiant group of citizens in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho that view the current system as an infringement of their Constitutional rights. In protest they are expressing their right to proceed on red and stop on green. Unfortunately not everyone living there is supporting their view so the results have been mixed at best.

Wordy Pictures?

Dave in Nebraska asks: "Is a picture really worth a thousand words?"


When you average it out most pictures are worth at least a thousand words, and some are worth much more. According to the Guinness Book of World Records the Mona Lisa by Da Vinci is worth exactly 13,126 words. Generally speaking the higher the word count associated with a picture the higher the monetary value attached to it. However on occasion you can run across a very expensive work of art that's only worth one word.

Happiness is...?

C.M. in Texas asks: "Can happiness be pursued?"


Yes, but you'll fail. Being chased is a real turn-off to Happiness and it will run away when it senses aggressive pursuit. The best strategy is to frequent establishments where Happiness is known to hang out, and then act aloof and nonchalant when it makes an appearance. This "maybe I wanna be happy, maybe I wanna be miserable" attitude you give off will peak curiosity, and an introduction may follow.
Misery, on the other hand, has no problem being openly pursued and can often be talked into going back to your place the first time you meet.

Hello..is anyone home?

Dan in New York asks: "How do I know if I really exist?"

You're in good company with that question. One of history's greatest minds wrestled with that same problem. Rene Descartes' cogito, ergo sum (I think, therefore I am) worked fine when applied to himself. No doubt he was quite a thinker. However, if you exist because you think, it logically follows that you don't exist if you do not think. There are a lot of people existing that don't think...I encounter them every day on the road. Any construct proving one's existence then must pass the test of universal application. All Rene needed to do was substitute cogito with doleo; ego insum doleo, ergo sum (I am in pain, therefore I am). If you ever start doubting your existence ask a loved one to hit you in the head with a bat, preferably when you're not expecting it. If you feel pain you can rest assured that you do in fact exist.

Timmmmber?

Hans in South Carolina asks: "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around does it make a sound?"


No, but you could probably hear the sound a beaver would make if the tree in question fell on him.

Yo momma?

Shanequa in Ohio asks: "Is necessity the mother of invention?"

Yes. DNA tests done on recent inventions have proven that Necessity is the mother. The identity of the father remains a mystery, however several eyewitness accounts report seeing Dumb Luck at the scene.

Destination China?

Diego in Argentina asks: "Will I end up in China if I dig a hole deep enough?"


The fundamental human need to dig a hole to China needs no further explanation. The ultimate success of one's expedition depends on the starting point. Being from Argentina if you dug straight through to the other side of the globe you'd end up somewhere in the vicinity of Xi'an, China. However if your starting point is in the continental United States your final destination would be the bottom of the Indian Ocean, which could pose a number of serious health threats. Of course if you already live in China digging a hole would be superfluous, and most likely the authorities would become suspicious of your intentions.

Cha-Cha-Cha-Changes?

Tim in Minnesota asks: "Have humans reached their final evolutionary form?"



No. Because our eyes don't perceive the hour hand moving on a clock doesn't mean it isn't moving. Likewise, because we haven't detected major physical changes in the human form for a few thousand years doesn't mean that evolutionary forces still aren't at play. We know from fossil records that physical characteristics of various species evolved according to use and need over a long span of time. Applying this knowledge to Homo sapiens anthropologists have predicted, given our growing fixation on sex, and decreasing dependency on using our brains, that 100,000 years from now our heads will have shrunk to the size of a grapefruit, women will have size 42EE breasts, and the male penis will average 24 inches in length.
Many males are encouraged and more optimistic about the future of humankind after hearing this.

Space Socks?

Anna in Colorado asks: "Why do socks keep disappearing in my dryer?"



This mystery has plagued mankind ever since the first clothes dryer was invented in 1915. The philosopher Bertrand Russel believed that this phenomenon was nothing more than a matter of perception; The missing sock is in the dryer, but we aren't perceiving it correctly. Some scientists have theorized that the unique tubular shape of socks, combined with the spinning motion, creates a miniature wormhole inside a dryer that transports the sock into space. This theory would explain all the floating sock trash astronauts encounter during space walks.

"Get a life" exam?

Claudia in Germany asks: "Is the unexamined life worth living?"


NO! Unexamined lives are the number one cause for needless acts of stupidity worldwide. Data gathered from exit polls taken during the 2004 national election in the U.S. showed that voters who had not examined their life in the past five years supported Bush by a ten to one margin over Kerry. Experts now recommend you have an annual life examination for early detection of contagious idiocy.

The Image of God?

Bob in Atlanta asks: "What does God look like?"


No one can really say for sure except dead people, and so far they're being tight lipped about it. As you know the Bible says we're created in God's image, which could be comforting or frightening depending on who's image comes to mind. I recently read an article in a highly respected journal while waiting at the grocery store check out line about a Mrs. Edith Ferguson from Binkleman, Nebraska who claimed she saw God in a vision after passing out from over-exposure to nail polish remover fumes. Her nephew sketched the following picture of God based on her description.



*The validity of her vision has been questioned by some townspeople do to the uncanny resemblance to the local Piggly Wiggly store manager.