Just a spoonful of ginseng?

John in Georgia asks: How did we find out which natural medicines worked?

Trial and error mostly. Long before animals were used in scientifically controlled lab experiments our ancestors were forced to use other humans to discover if something was good or bad for us. The only way to find out if a particular plant had a curative effect was for the medicine man to persuade the tribe idiot into eating it. If it cured an ailment it was good. If it killed him it wasn’t so good, and duly noted to avoid that plant next time around. Over the centuries thousands of perfectly good village idiots died for the betterment of mankind.

So next time you swallow a herb like catuaba to help “raise the flagpole”, take just a second to salute all  the prior guinea pigs that paved the way to gain this vital knowledge.

Things that go bump in the night?

Ben in Idaho asks: Is it okay to squish unwanted house critters?

If you're accosted by a rabid cockroach, or an Australian Death Adder without provocation then it's perfectly acceptable to do them in, or at the very least throw a stern look of disapproval their way. Allowing them to have the run of the house can only lead to no good, especially if you sense they're just itching to get into your hair.

There are exceptions to this however as sometimes the presence of non-domesticated animals can be beneficial. For instance if a really annoying relative is overdoing their stay you can shoo a venomous spider or scorpion into their bedroom. Some animals will deter other varmints from making your house their home as well. If you're fortunate enough to have a Giant Pacific Octopus inhabit your den then you'll sleep better knowing you'll never have to call the local cockle exterminator. Plus they generally only hunt at night, so you most likely wouldn't even know it's there...except for having to occasionally clean ink stains and crustacean shells out of the carpet. 

Running on empty?

Ronnie in Oklahoma asks: "Why are there so many people running amok?"

To some it's a sign of the end times and the biblical prophecy in the book of Matthew coming to fruition:

"...the sun will be darkened, and the moon will not give its light; the stars will fall from the sky, and bodies will be running amok all willy-nilly."

Regardless of one's religious beliefs there's no denying running around aimlessly in a general state of panic is on the rise. Whether it's just a passing fad or not is hard to say, but amok runs are gaining in popularity all across the country, even though there's no official start or finish line, no preset course to follow, and no winner. Anyone confused and disoriented by life can participate in amok running, but it's a good idea to be cleared by a psychologist beforehand just to verify you're not mentally healthy.

Under my skin?

Lin Hô in Louisiana asks: "Can I judge a book by its cover?"

In times past you could always tell exactly what was inside a book simply by looking at the cover, but this is no longer the case. To gain an edge in the very competitive book market many publishers are resorting to sneaky tactics and purposely assigning titillating titles, hoping to increase sales from unsuspecting buyers. Because of this it's best to open a book and thoroughly check the contents before purchasing it. This way you'll avoid the frustration of buying a book titled The Physics of Kama Sutra Positions, only to discover that night in bed that it's actually all about gauge theories in particle physics...and that there's nothing remotely erotic about the illustrations.
If you're asking this question figuratively and referring to judging others by their outward appearance then the same principle applies. It's always a good idea to do a full body search before bringing someone home to avoid unpleasant surprises.

Free Willy?

Fatima in Portugal asks: "Do humans have free will?"


For most of us every decision we make in life is preordained. I like to think that I could have answered this question any way I wanted to, but the harsh reality is I was fated to put down every word written here. A select few do have freedom of choice, but it was predetermined who these individuals are, so we can't do anything about having free will if we're not already one of these fortunate people.

Wascully wabbits?

Harm in Wisconsin asks: "Is hunting immoral?"


It depends on the moral character of the hunter's prey. Just as there are good and bad humans, there are also good and bad animals. If an animal is living a good and moral life then killing it is immoral. In Dante's Divine Comedy the ninth circle of hell was reserved for hunters committing this sin. However if an animal is immoral then shooting it is morally justifiable.
Hunters can detect which animals are immoral by observing their behavior in the wild. For instance, if you spot a deer acting skittish and nervously looking around for hunters with guns then you can be fairly certain that type of paranoid conduct is brought on by a degenerate and immoral lifestyle. Hunters are doing all the well behaved animals victimized by these woodland hooligans a favor by making their forest sanctuary a safer and more peaceful place.

Prosit?

Marsi in Slovenia asks: "Is my glass half empty or half full?"


Surprisingly the answer has little to do with your perspective on the volume of liquid remaining in your glass, and more to do with what kind of liquid is filling half your glass. If it's stinky city tap water or Sierra Mist soda then your glass is definitely half empty, even when it's half full. But if it's a Belgian high gravity beer in a 2.o liter beer boot glass then it's always half full...until you wake up the following morning.

State of bliss?

Harold in South Dakota asks: "Is ignorance bliss?"

No. Ignorant people are actually miserable, they're just not smart enough to know it. Intelligent people are miserable too, the difference being they know they're miserable and understand the reasons why...which usually has something to do with all the ignorant people running around being blissful for no good reason.

Chakra Khan?

Constance in England asks: "How do I know if I have a color aura around me?"


Everyone has an aura. They are formed by the electromagnetic field created by the energy given off from our bodies. To view someones aura you need to relax your eyes and focus on the emptiness in the subject's head. If that doesn't work trying it while stoned usually helps. The color of an aura will depend on the balance and harmony of a person's Chakra, and how much their underwear is riding up at the moment.
Seeing auras can be a valuable guide on whether to engage in conversation or avoid someone. For example, if you're eating lunch with a co-worker and see a green aura around them it means that person is in a growth mode and will have no qualms about stealing your fruited tofu curry salad. If you're a male and you see a hot pink aura around a female's aureoles it means she's sexually aroused, or that it's cold outside (if you act on it you'll find out quickly which of the two it is). If you see a rainbow aura around a person it signifies they are a Reki healer, or gay, or both. If you see any aura filled with floating white specs it means that an angel is close by; or if it's a woman, that she's pregnant, or will soon become impregnated by an angel. If you see brown it can mean that person is very materialistic, or that their personal hygiene practices leave a lot to be desired.




*Check the laws where you live as viewing auras is illegal in some countries.

Say what?

Francis in Iowa asks: "Is the saying, 'There are no dumb questions' true?"


No, and this question is a perfect example of a dumb question. People all across the world ask millions of dumb questions every day. In fact the only thing more common than dumb questions are all the dangerously dumb answers to those questions.

Master peace?

Felix in New Mexico asks: "Why did so many of the great artists have miserable lives?"

Suffering and mental anguish are necessary ingredients to bring out the genius in a person's creative endeavours. This misery is what separates the truly great from the less fortunate happy artists. Stable mental health, inner peace, and positive affirmations from others is the breeding ground for complacency, ordinariness and mediocrity, and will insure that an artist's body of creative work is omitted from the books of historical masterpieces.

If you know a painter, writer, or musician that seems unreasonably happy you'll be providing them a great service by doing what you can to make their life a living hell. Pointing out their many character faults and offering frequent unsolicited scathing critiques of their work will lead them down the road to immortal greatness.

A failure to communicate?

Mark in Kentucky asks: "Does God answer my prayers?"



God answers all our prayers. If we don't hear back from him, or it's not the answer we want it's either because the prayer was rejected for not being sent in the proper language (English became the official language of Heaven in 2005), or your prayer was modified before reaching its destination. Due to the number of toxic pollutants in the atmosphere our petitions to God are sometimes mutated into entirely different words on the long journey from earth to Heaven. This letter metamorphosis happens if they encounter high concentrations of methane, carbon monoxide, or sulfur dioxide as they rise. This is why someone can pray for a really good cold cut sandwich and end up receiving a really gross cold sore instead.

You are always on my mind?

Marjan in Belgium asks: "How often do men think about sex?"



The answer to this varies greatly depending on the religious and cultural values of the community that the male was raised in. Ironically, men in more liberal sexually open societies think about it far less often than men living in sexually repressive societies, where such thoughts are considered taboo. For example, Danish men think about sex with women once every 45 seconds, while males living in strict orthodox Middle Eastern theocracies think about having sex with anything once every 4 seconds (the other 3 seconds are generally focused on finding good stones).
On a related note women think about not having sex with men once every 6 seconds, no matter where they live.

I feel your brain?

Tiffany in New Zealand asks: "How can I tell if I'm right or left brained?"


People with left brain dominance tend to be logical, analytical, and linear thinkers. Right brained dominant people are just the opposite and tend to be intuitive, subjective, and holistic thinkers. Next time you feed your brain sensory data stop and think immediately afterwards about how you processed the experience. Using the given traits of left and right brained people you should be able to determine which camp you fall into. If neither of these brain hemisphere characteristics apply there's a good chance you fall into the third category of being no brained.

Sweet nothings?

Aanika in California asks: "Does the whispering technique really work on training animals?"


For those blessed with this special talent of talking to animals it seems to work very well, although it makes a difference which animal species they work with. So far "Whisperers" have had success communicating with horses, dogs, and some Hummer owners, however when they try it on cats all it does is really piss them off. Perhaps it's only a matter of discovering the right words to whisper...or trying it with a mouthful of albacore tuna.

Missing in action?

Matthew in Wales asks: "Is God dead?"

For a long time it was believed that Friedrich Nietzsche killed God, but police records show his alibi checked out on the night in question (he was bar hopping with Wagner).
My gut tells me God is alive and well. I'm thinking after thousands of years of having to keep tabs on our wicked ways 24/7 he is just taking a much needed mental health break.

Boxed in?

Phil in Arizona asks: "Is it smart to think outside the box?"


When cogitating is absolutely necessary it's better to do it in the privacy and safety of a box. When you venture outside a box to think you're opening yourself up to exposure of other people's stupid ideas. If you feel compelled to think outside a box it's best to stay in close proximity to it, in case a hasty retreat is required. Few people know that Einstein actually came up with all his best ideas thinking inside a box, allowing only Gunther his pet beaver in to sharpen his pencil when needed.

Some Like It Hot?

Tommy in Washington asks: "Is global warming really happening?"


If you live within the U.S. borders then it all depends on what state you reside in. If you're fortunate and it's a "red state" then it isn't happening because global warming is nothing more than a myth spread by liberal tree-huggers with an agenda. If you're not so lucky and happen to live in a "blue state" you're screwed, just like the rest of the world.

Soul Mates?

Aliya in Pennsylvania asks: "Is there one perfect mate for me out there in the world?"

Yes...and defying all the laws of probability the person you end up marrying will be that one perfect mate. Imperfections in your perfect mate always remain dormant and hidden until after you tie the knot. At that point both the frequency and intensity of these imperfections tend to expand and increase with each passing year. Some couples learn to accept these faults in their perfect mate, while others decide to look for a new more perfect perfect mate.

Smarter than your average bear?

Meg in Missouri asks: "What separates us from other animals?"


The distinction between Homo sapian and other animals has changed over the centuries. In the recent past it was widely held that we were the only animal that could reason and had conscious thought. We were never able to completely convince other animals of this however, and after less than stellar performances by several noted biologists in the famous "Checkers" debates in the 50's serious cracks began to develop in this belief. The current hypothesis is that humans are the only animal that will voluntarily sit in front of a television for hours watching reality shows.

Happy Feet?

Jason in Singapore asks: "How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?"



Angels aren't allowed to dance anymore. Back in 1993 Pat Robertson and The Christian Coalition strongly objected to this expression of lust inducing exuberant behavior, believing that as role models angels had no business shaking their heavenly booties. The group started a petition threatening to "stop singing praises unto Him" unless an immediate stop was put to this sinful act. Needing the praise God reluctantly gave in to their demand. Angels are still allowed to pass time on the head of a pin, but they must do so standing perfectly still.

Living in your own private Idaho?

Priscilla in Canada asks: "Why do we 'go' on a green light and 'stop' on a red one?"


This is a good example of a conventional law (decided by men), as opposed to a natural law (decided by men interpreting what they think God told them). In truth the color assignment for following traffic laws is purely arbitrary. It could just as easily have been proceed on raw umber, slow down on magenta, and stop on cobalt blue.
Interestingly enough there is a defiant group of citizens in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho that view the current system as an infringement of their Constitutional rights. In protest they are expressing their right to proceed on red and stop on green. Unfortunately not everyone living there is supporting their view so the results have been mixed at best.

Wordy Pictures?

Dave in Nebraska asks: "Is a picture really worth a thousand words?"


When you average it out most pictures are worth at least a thousand words, and some are worth much more. According to the Guinness Book of World Records the Mona Lisa by Da Vinci is worth exactly 13,126 words. Generally speaking the higher the word count associated with a picture the higher the monetary value attached to it. However on occasion you can run across a very expensive work of art that's only worth one word.

Happiness is...?

C.M. in Texas asks: "Can happiness be pursued?"


Yes, but you'll fail. Being chased is a real turn-off to Happiness and it will run away when it senses aggressive pursuit. The best strategy is to frequent establishments where Happiness is known to hang out, and then act aloof and nonchalant when it makes an appearance. This "maybe I wanna be happy, maybe I wanna be miserable" attitude you give off will peak curiosity, and an introduction may follow.
Misery, on the other hand, has no problem being openly pursued and can often be talked into going back to your place the first time you meet.

Hello..is anyone home?

Dan in New York asks: "How do I know if I really exist?"

You're in good company with that question. One of history's greatest minds wrestled with that same problem. Rene Descartes' cogito, ergo sum (I think, therefore I am) worked fine when applied to himself. No doubt he was quite a thinker. However, if you exist because you think, it logically follows that you don't exist if you do not think. There are a lot of people existing that don't think...I encounter them every day on the road. Any construct proving one's existence then must pass the test of universal application. All Rene needed to do was substitute cogito with doleo; ego insum doleo, ergo sum (I am in pain, therefore I am). If you ever start doubting your existence ask a loved one to hit you in the head with a bat, preferably when you're not expecting it. If you feel pain you can rest assured that you do in fact exist.

Timmmmber?

Hans in South Carolina asks: "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around does it make a sound?"


No, but you could probably hear the sound a beaver would make if the tree in question fell on him.

Yo momma?

Shanequa in Ohio asks: "Is necessity the mother of invention?"

Yes. DNA tests done on recent inventions have proven that Necessity is the mother. The identity of the father remains a mystery, however several eyewitness accounts report seeing Dumb Luck at the scene.

Destination China?

Diego in Argentina asks: "Will I end up in China if I dig a hole deep enough?"


The fundamental human need to dig a hole to China needs no further explanation. The ultimate success of one's expedition depends on the starting point. Being from Argentina if you dug straight through to the other side of the globe you'd end up somewhere in the vicinity of Xi'an, China. However if your starting point is in the continental United States your final destination would be the bottom of the Indian Ocean, which could pose a number of serious health threats. Of course if you already live in China digging a hole would be superfluous, and most likely the authorities would become suspicious of your intentions.

Cha-Cha-Cha-Changes?

Tim in Minnesota asks: "Have humans reached their final evolutionary form?"



No. Because our eyes don't perceive the hour hand moving on a clock doesn't mean it isn't moving. Likewise, because we haven't detected major physical changes in the human form for a few thousand years doesn't mean that evolutionary forces still aren't at play. We know from fossil records that physical characteristics of various species evolved according to use and need over a long span of time. Applying this knowledge to Homo sapiens anthropologists have predicted, given our growing fixation on sex, and decreasing dependency on using our brains, that 100,000 years from now our heads will have shrunk to the size of a grapefruit, women will have size 42EE breasts, and the male penis will average 24 inches in length.
Many males are encouraged and more optimistic about the future of humankind after hearing this.

Space Socks?

Anna in Colorado asks: "Why do socks keep disappearing in my dryer?"



This mystery has plagued mankind ever since the first clothes dryer was invented in 1915. The philosopher Bertrand Russel believed that this phenomenon was nothing more than a matter of perception; The missing sock is in the dryer, but we aren't perceiving it correctly. Some scientists have theorized that the unique tubular shape of socks, combined with the spinning motion, creates a miniature wormhole inside a dryer that transports the sock into space. This theory would explain all the floating sock trash astronauts encounter during space walks.

"Get a life" exam?

Claudia in Germany asks: "Is the unexamined life worth living?"


NO! Unexamined lives are the number one cause for needless acts of stupidity worldwide. Data gathered from exit polls taken during the 2004 national election in the U.S. showed that voters who had not examined their life in the past five years supported Bush by a ten to one margin over Kerry. Experts now recommend you have an annual life examination for early detection of contagious idiocy.

The Image of God?

Bob in Atlanta asks: "What does God look like?"


No one can really say for sure except dead people, and so far they're being tight lipped about it. As you know the Bible says we're created in God's image, which could be comforting or frightening depending on who's image comes to mind. I recently read an article in a highly respected journal while waiting at the grocery store check out line about a Mrs. Edith Ferguson from Binkleman, Nebraska who claimed she saw God in a vision after passing out from over-exposure to nail polish remover fumes. Her nephew sketched the following picture of God based on her description.



*The validity of her vision has been questioned by some townspeople do to the uncanny resemblance to the local Piggly Wiggly store manager.